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Is He "Into You" or want to get "In You?"

This seems to be the number one question in today’s society when it comes to dating. In this article, I’m going to break down exactly what goes on in a man’s head when he’s dating a woman as well as some extremely important things for a woman to look out for when dating a man.

While this question is often an extremely complicated one, the first step is to identify what “stage” your man is in at that particular point in his life. When I say stage, I mean that all men go through 3 stages for what they are looking for from women. These 3 stages differ from man to man and are often based on the man's maturity level.

One stage is the "dog stage". This stage is where men just want to have sex with as many women as possible, as fast as possible. They don’t really care about the woman's feelings at all.
Another stage is "the player stage". This stage is when a man finds someone who he’s interested in settling down with but he still wants to have his fun on the side while dealing with multiple other women.

The last stage is "The wifey stage". This is when a man is truly interested in finding a wife or a girlfriend and really being committed to her. I'm not saying that men won't cheat during this stage, but it's not what he’s setting out to do mentally.
When it comes to the question of how long a man will wait for sex when dating a woman, it depends on what stage he’s in. If he's in the "dog stage" then you'll be lucky if he waits a week.
If he's in the “player stage” it many be a little longer but not much longer.

If he is in the “wifey stage” and is truly ready to settle down with someone who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he’ll wait as long as it takes.
The best advice that I could give a woman when dating a man is not to give it up too soon. No matter what the guy says, he won’t respect you if you do. Men have ways of saying whatever they need to say to get what they want, so its best for all women not to give it up for a while. What’s a while, you might ask? If it doesn’t seem like a long time and your man hasn’t started complaining, then it’s too soon.

Not getting sex immediately may annoy and frustrate your man at first, but in the long run, he’ll respect you a lot more... even if he doesn’t talk to you anymore. Depending on the stage he’s in, he may decide to just cut you off completely and move on to his next conquest, but at least you found that out before you gave it up to him and added another “notch on your belt”.

My point is that, some men are just looking for sex when dating women. That’s the ultimate goal most times. Very few women will actually come out and say “I’m easy” and most of the time they’ll say things like “I haven’t had sex in 2 years” or “I’m waiting until marriage to have sex”. While all that sounds good... most women are full of crap when it comes to sex. They just want the man to believe they’re saving themselves so he’ll do the necessary things to get “it”.

Once the woman finally gives it up, she often says things like “I can’t believe I did this” or “I usually don’t give it up this quickly”.
I realize that all women aren’t this way but unfortunately, many women are so it’s very important to differentiate yourself from many women that your man has, most likely, met that carry themselves that way.

One of the most common and worst mistakes a woman can make when in a committed relationship is crowding their man and preventing him from hanging out and having fun with his friends.
Very few things are worse than a woman nagging us about spending enough time with our woman. What some women fail to realize is... a man is going to do what he truly wants to do; whether that’s spending time with you, or going out to a club with his friends. All you can do is be the best girlfriend you can be and hope for the best.

Arguing about not spending enough time together is pointless. If your man isn't chilling with you enough, that probably means there's a bigger problem. Most likely, he's just not that into you and dealing with someone else. If a guy is feeling you, you definitely don't have to worry about him not being around enough. Nagging him will just make the guy want to stay away more.
Even when a relationship is going well, you still need to have “voluntary time apart". This is time that you technically could be spending together but you just choose to do other things. Some examples of voluntary time apart are: on a Friday night when neither of you has plans or on a Sunday afternoon after church.

Fellas, go get a few drinks with your boys and tell your lady, don’t wait up. Ladies, tell your man that your having a night out with the girls and you’ll hang out with him tomorrow. Trust me. These types of excursions will help keep your relationship fresh.

Work hours don't count as voluntary time apart because you both are forced to be apart by work. This voluntary time apart will definitely strengthen the relationship because its true when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Women not having a life of their own is a recipe for disaster. If your man is out having fun and all you're doing is sitting home text messaging him all night, that is going to get annoying after a while. Get a life of your own and trust your man not to be doing things he shouldn't be when he's out and about.

One of the most important things to avoid in relationships, is getting too comfortable. You always want to keep that spark there. If you don’t the consequences will be severe. Women as well as men get comfortable after a few years or sometimes even after a few months of being in a committed relationship. People getting comfortable in relationships can be a very negative thing and often leads to someone or both people feeling neglected.

In the beginning of relationships, both people want to put their best foot forward in every way especially when it comes to sex. It’s natural to want to “put it on” their mate to get the other hooked. After a while ,though, once you know you have that person where you want them, you’re less inclined to put that extra effort forth, which is why it’s so important to find new and creative ways to keep the relationship fresh. Find new things to do to get that spark back. In relationships, both parties should always be dying to get their hands on each other.

This is how things would be in a perfect world but we all know that, unfortunately, that’s not always the case. When one party is always tired and is suddenly uninterested in sex, you have to consider the possibility that your mate has been or is planning on being unfaithful A drastic change in sexual behavior is one of the main signs that your mate is cheating. You should never have to beg or do certain things to get your woman in bed. It should be natural and flow smoothly. If it doesn’t, then that’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed immediately. There’s probably a deeper problem that’s causing her unwillingness to give it up.

You might ask yourself what you’re doing wrong? You might not be doing anything wrong. Some people just have it in their nature to cheat. You may be doing some things that your mate may not like or that he/she would like you to do differently, but after two years, they should be used to them and have accepted them about you. If they haven’t by that point, then she probably never will and you might need to ask yourself if there’s someone else out there better for you.

In a previous relationship, I had a similar problem. I was with someone who I felt didn’t appreciate who I was or what I was worth. I had women throwing themselves at me and worshiping the ground I walked on who were always telling me what a good guy I was; but I could never get that from my girlfriend. After a while, I had to say to myself, I’m better than this and I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t truly know how good they have it.
To all the ladies out there, you need to realize that good men are the minority and women are definitely the majority, so when you come across a good man, you need to let him know that he’s a good man or another woman will.

In closing, I don’t think you can ever know for sure a man’s true intentions but I think that there are a few rules of thumb that, if followed correctly, will make seeing his true intentions a little easier.

Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on this subject for you.

 

 

Pledging vs. Hazing


 

The topic of Pledging and Greek Life has always been a controversial subject that often puts Greeks and non-Greeks on opposite sides. For decades, there have been many misconceptions about the origins and purpose of pledging into a fraternity or sorority. I’m going to try to shed some light on this subject and erase some of the stereotypes that are associated with Pledging and Greek life.

As a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc, I can honestly say that Greek life is something that’s hard for many non-Greeks to understand.


(By the way, Greeks need to stop using the term GDI (God Damn Individual). It’s blasphemous as well as disrespectful to non Greeks who may or may not aspire to be Greek one day. It gives the impression that Greeks are in some way better than non- Greeks which is not true at all.)


It’s unfortunate that whenever people speak about Greek life, pledging gets brought up. There are so many other prominent and news worthy programs and activities that Greeks participate in that deserve way more attention. Pledging is usually a 5 or 6 week process that is meant to break you down mentally and physically and then build you back up stronger than you were before while initiating you into the organization.

 

That timeframe is miniscule in comparison to the lifelong commitment of brotherhood/sisterhood, scholarship and service a member of any Greek organization takes on.
Pledging can be one of the most rewarding things anyone will ever go through however hazing is where the problems come in. Some Greeks don’t know and weren’t taught the right way to pledge which is unfortunate because it gives non-Greeks the impression that ALL pledging is done in a vicious and brutal way, which is far from reality.


When people say pledging is brutal, immature, savage and ridiculous etc, I would encourage them to look at their history and realize that our ancestors in Africa engaged in similar pledging rituals when initiating new members into a tribe.
Actually, all you have to do is turn on the discovery channel to find out that far more extreme rites of passage and initiation traditions still go on to this day. So, anyone who thinks that pledging is barbaric and unnecessary, is belittling the very same customs of their own ancestors in Africa.


If you ask most Greeks about the pledging experience, they will look back on their pledge process as hard but also something that has made them stronger both mentally and physically. Usually, the majority of people that have a problem with pledging are people who haven’t even pledged. Here’s a statement issued by a member of Zeta Phi Beta regarding her pledging experience:


“As a member of Zeta Phi Beta, I have found that the process that I went through benefits me till this day. It has taught me to carry myself with class even when I am under the pressure of bosses. It has taught me how to love other organizations and I am proud of my process. Yes, there were rough times. But never once did I feel in danger or as if I was made to do anything. I look back on my process and it makes me proud. I am proud of myself for making the decision that I made. I am proud to be a woman who handles her business and through my process I know HOW TO handle my business most effectively and I am honored to be a member of such a dynamic and diverse group of women. I can help dispel the myths by being the great Zeta that I am. I hold my head high, I don't dog other organizations or those not in an organization. The change starts with me making a commitment to myself to focus on the positive ways to represent Z Phi B and me!”


In my research for this article, I came across several other Greeks who feel similar to this woman of Zeta Phi Beta. I would like to encourage Greeks and non-Greeks to do their homework on how Greek life used to be and should be. Nowadays, there’s no Greek unity. There are fights after every party as well as a lack of interest in general surrounding Greek life. What’s the solution for this? Honestly, it may be too late and the damage may have already been done.

 

 Hopefully, one day there will be a new generation of Greeks who will one day prove me wrong.


You Wonder Why They Call Us Nigger?


The topic of this article is something I been letting mentally marinate for quite some time now. Now that the state of Black America is at an all time low and at point where I feel like something has to be said,  I’m speaking my peace.


Let me preface this article by saying that when I use the term “we”,  I’m referring to African Americans so, unfortunately, in some, if not many  and probably most aspects, I’m guilty of the following offenses myself.  Why is it that we complain that there are never any good black movies  being produced by major Hollywood studios? Let me start by saying that
there are. Well... At least there used to be.


The problem is that when a good movie comes out such as “Antoine Fischer” or “Ray”, we don’t support them. Opening weekend, “Ray” only made 20 million dollars (after all the hype, it was expected to do at least 30 million opening weekend) and exit polls showed that more white people saw it than blacks.

Nowadays, when a so called “black” movie is a hit, it ends up being across over hit with white Americans. A good example of this is “Barbershop” or “The Great Debaters”, both of which had strong opening weekends, mainlybecause of the white audience that supported it.


For some reason, African Americans are more willing to buy the bootleg versions of hit movies on the Avenue 3 for $10 instead of spending the $10.25 to see it in the theater. The problem with this is that white studios judge how successful a movie is by the opening weekend numbers and they are only going to produce black movies with substance for so long without our own kind supporting them.


You wonder why they call us nigger.


I respect what Tyler Perry has done these past few years. His movies, plays and tv shows have grossed more than 500 million dollars worldwide... yet he is still considered a “Non A-lister” by Hollywood standards. He will never get the respect
he deserves from White America as long as he has to trick African Americans into going to see his movies in the theaters.His first film, “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” was originally marketed as a buffoonish comedy centered around Madea, when, in fact, this is a heartwarming drama that deals with a strong Black woman overcoming an abusive relationship.

 

The same can be said about “Madea’s Family Reunion”
and his latest feature, “Meet the Browns”. It’s not surprising that the Madea-less, “Daddy’s Little Girls” and “Why Did I Get Married” grossed the least out of all his movies.


Blacks will go see a comedy (in the theaters) that will make them laugh but we refuse to see educational movies or even movies that have some substance in the theaters.
When it comes to movies, we as a people are in a catch 22. The ignorant blacks who buy booklegs regularly and don’t support quality movies aren’t helping black film makers succeed and then you have the socially conscious blacks who refuse to support buffoonish comedies. So either way, black movies don’t get seen enough for White America to feel like its worth the investment.

Speaking of support by Blacks, some things that we do support, we have no business supporting. A good example of this is radio talk shows like Miss Jones and Wendy Williams.

 

These two dj’s perpetuate negative stereotypes about African Americans all day, everyday and do nothing but gossip and spread rumors that aren’t even true half the time.


There’s a serious problem in Black America when the two highest rated shows staring African Americans are “I love new York” and “Flavor of Love”.


These are the most popular images of African Americans on televison...

 

And you wonder why they call us nigger.


The popularity of Flav and New York are due largely in part because of the lack of African American role models that appeal to our youth. The so called role models that our youth do look up to unfortunately happen to be rappers who nine times out of ten have a past that glorifies drug use
and drug trafficking.


One of the most ironic things about this whole thing is that for as long as I can remember, every African American I know has been talking about the day that we would have a black president. Now that we have a realistic opportunity to elect one, we have people who still want to support Hillary Clinton.

If you’ve ever taken the time to listen to one of Barack Obama’s speeches, you would see how it makes absolutely no sense to vote for anyone but him, however, we have African Americans who still feel differently regardless of their dreams as a child and the best interests of this country.

The racists in this country are sitting back laughing at us when Barack Obama wins states like Idaho, Iowa and Wyoming but loses states with more significant black population like Texas. My question is why are more Whites voting for Obama than Blacks? Am I the only person that’s disturbed by this?


We as a people complain about how bad the inner city is but those same people sat at home and watched the deadline to register to vote in Pennsylvania pass by and did nothing.

 

Why is it that the majority of our youth have
absolutely no idea what a super delegate is but know exactly what the superman dance is by Soulja boy?


Why is it that we tear each other down as a people instead of lifting one another up? A prime example of this is when you go into the hood, you never see two Chinese stores within a two block radius of one another. That’s because they don’t want to step on each others toes. If only black businesses had that much unity in the hood.


As racist as this country is, why do African Americans feel more comfortable walking around in a suburban White neighborhood, than we do amongst our own
people? Really stop and think about that for a minute...
I’ll admit that I’m guilty of it myself. We all talk about how we want to bring an end to racism but why don’t we work on the bigger problem of us killing each other.


If given a choice, I’d rather take my chances with racist corporate America than walking around late at night in South Philly. The murder rate in this country is ridiculous. The craziest thing is that its not Whites killing Whites or Asians killing Asians or even Latinos killing Latinos. It’s Black on Black crime. We all know its true but we try
to convince ourselves that the statistics are inflated by racist
politicians.


Don’t let the tone of this article confuse you about my love for my people. I’m just frustrated because we could be so much better and have progressed so much further if we would take a long hard look at ourselves
and our priorities.


Lets stop pointing the finger at White America and start fixingourselves so that we’ll no longer have to wonder why they call us Nigger.

Dedan Tolbert can be reached at :

tolbert_books@hotmail.com