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"Ask Dedan" Advice Column
"Sexually Frustrated Wife"
A Reader’s Question:
Ok sweetheart here’s a question for you! I've been married for nine years. I knew from day one that my sex drive was very high and my husbands was low. It all started off all good! The sexathon was non-stop, but now it peeks through like a routine visit to the docs office. I always make myself available to my man, and give him all the chances to drop in and do what he desires....but my advances are turned off like the power in someone’s home that has an overdue electric bill. What the hell is the problem? Usually the men are the ones that complain they can't get enough! What about the sistahs that can't get enough, and when they want it? For the reader’s info: I am well secure, not overweight, I'm beautiful, and full of confidence. I am in love with my husband, and I know for a fact he is not cheating. That has never been a question in our marriage. We are true to one another at all times, but what is a woman to do?
My Advice:
Although this is a great question, its more commonly asked when the shoe is on the other foot. Usually, it’s men complaining that they can’t get enough loving from their woman. At any rate, I’m going to give you the same advice I would give a man in the same situation. In any relationship, it’s important to be understanding of the person you care about’s shortcomings. No one is perfect and you have to accept the good things along with the bad. In the beginning of your relationship, your husband may have been going out of his way to please you but lately he’s become comfortable and maybe even complacent. The best thing to do in any relationship, is find new and inventive ways to keep your sex life fresh. You never want to make your husband feel like having sex with you is a chore. He should want to make love to you and it’s up to you to be creative and give him something to look forward to. I commend the two of you for remaining faithful to each other. Unfortunately, that’s something that’s missing with many couples who are going through what you’re going through. Often, women whose husbands lose interest in sex, find sexual satisfaction elsewhere and continue to get emotional satisfaction from their mate. I’m glad to see the two of you are setting a good example for other couples. My main advice to you would be to continue to be understanding of your husband’s wishes but at the same time you need to articulate to him that you have needs too. If your husband truly loves you, he’ll listen and do what he needs to do to make sure you’re satisfied in all areas of your marriage. Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on this subject for you. __________________________________. Responses!!! Dedan this is my anonymous response:
I can understand where she is coming from and I have done as you have stated for advice, BUT yet and still I get "I'm not in the mood" I'm like what the H***! It's not easy and myself being at my sexual peak. It's saddening, a sistah can only take so much. Yea then there is the marriage counseling, pre-marital counseling, and church bishop counseling...been there done all that. So I say, sometimes not all the time, but sometimes you can't fix everything sometimes if the issue means that much to you, then you have to choose. Happiness or pleasure but I must say good sex makes me happy and full of pleasure but some will say its just pleasure because it only last for a period. HMMmmm I beg to differ its caresses me for days and thats the happiness portion for me. I wish her marriage the best! Though some of us that have been in that situation stand at a cross roads lost. Now seek other outlets not necessarily cheating though, but drinking, shopping, clubbing there has to be an outlet somewhere! I am just sorry she had to join this club! I am ready to cancel my membership ___________________________________. Sometimes the issue is a feeling of inadequacy on the males part. If you are always on and he isn't that could be intimidating.. There are also issues of life, what is he going through? Does he like his job? Is he in good health? Does he like his body? Are you guys broke? So many things can alter a person's libido it may not be you. And then it may be! Ouch! But are you into things he isn't? Are you pleasing him as well? Are you sure he likes to do the things you ask him to?
Dating Advice for Women
Things you can do to keep your man happy
*Stay in shape- make him remember why he fell in love with you.
Kelly Rowland hit the nail on the head when she said, “I’ll remain the same chick you fell in love with...”
*Wear less makeup and put in less weave. Men love natural women. Work with what you’ve got. Your man will appreciate it.
*Stop playing games and trying to make him jealous. Just tell us how you feel so the two of you can deal with it and move on.
*Surprise us with gifts, our favorite meal, trips and the best yet... spontaneous romantic evenings.
*Keep your hair, nails and toes done. There’s nothing wrong with dressing sexy. While being careful not be come off as slutty, give your man something to look forward to. Deep down we love when our friends give us compliments about how good you look. We love to show you off.
*Throughout the work day, send emails, texts, myspace notes, instate messages etc just to let us know that your thinking about us. It goes a long way.
*Take an active interest in our careers/ activities. Let us know that you care. No man gets tired of having his ego stroked.
*Learn to be an effective communicator. When you have a problem, don’t just shut down by giving him the silent treatment.
*Get to know your man’s friends. Its very important that you get along with them. Your man’s friends have most likely been there before you and will be there after you.
Signs That Your Man is Cheating
*Suspicious texts and phone calls- If your man gets a call and is hesitant or unwilling to answer certain calls, you should definitely be suspicious... which leads me right into my next point...
*If your man is overly protective of his cell phone be careful. For example, if he goes to take a shower and feels the need to take his phone with him. There’s something in that phone that he doesn’t want you to see.
*Unaccounted for whereabouts- If your man is missing in action for hours or even days on end and can’t be contacted, you should assume he’s with another woman.
*If your man has a “female friend” who seems to be a little too close for comfort, most likely he’s dealing with her currently or has a history with her that he hasn’t told you fully about. Often men conceal the details or past friendships because if you knew the whole truth, you wouldn’t be as willing to accept them as being “just a friend”.
*If your man is always out with his friends you should wonder where he is. Nowadays, if he’s always in the streets, it has something to do with the opposite sex. We all know what the club scene is like. One in a while is cool but if its every weekend, there’s a lot more going on than he’s letting on.
*Lack of interest...especially if its in the bedroom. Most men enjoy sex 3-5 times a week. If all of a sudden he’s not pursuing sex with you, he’s probably getting it from someone else. Also, if you notice a drastic change in his sexual behavior such as him wanting to try different positions that you’ve never done before or other strange behavior, that dog has learned a few new tricks from someone else.
Signs that You’re Just a Jumpoff
*If your man only calls you between the hours of 10:00p-2:00a, you’re definitely a jumpoff.
*If all of your conversations revolve around sex, face it, he doesn’t care about you at all and is only interested in getting to know one part of you.
*If you’ve been dealing with a guy and you’ve never met any of his friends or family, you’re in the jumpoff category. Enjoy it for what it is because you wont be around long.
*If he never wants to go out and only wants to “watch movies”, you’re a jumpoff. When a man puts you into the jumpoff category, his objective is to get what he wants by spending as little money as possible to get it. Blockbuster nights are cheap dates. You’ll be lucky if he offers to order a pizza.
*If your man never does romantic things like, send flowers for no reason or send romantic emails/ text messages, it means that someone else is occupying his time/ thoughts. You should be on his mind all the time if things are how they should be.
*Most couples hate to argue but you should be concerned if you never do anything that gets on your man’s. If you’ve never seen him mad, it probably means that he couldn’t care less what you do and that he’s dealing with a few other people on the side.
How to Not become a Jumpoff
*This is probably the most important tip of all... wait as long as possible before having sex with him. If you do this, you will find out his true intentions. After you let him know from the door that you don’t intend to sleep with him and he is still around after a few months, its safe to say that he’s truly feeling you. If all he wanted was sex, he would fall off after a few weeks of hearing that.
*Don’t be intimate until you have a firm commitment from him. Most men are very reluctant to buy the cow if they’re getting the milk for free.
*Don’t come off as a golddigger. No man is going to take a woman, who he feels is only out for his money, seriously. One way to avoid this is by offering to pay for certain things. There’s nothing wrong with you picking up the check every once in a while. Small gestures like that will make him want to spend more money on you.
*Don’t complain and nag about little stuff. Most men hate to argue and enjoy their freedom. If you’re nagging him before you’re even in a relationship, what makes you think he’s going to want to wife you up?
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Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on these subjects for you.
If you have questions or comments, feel free to email me at: tolbert_books@hotmail.com |
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